A boy best friend.

Girls and boys can never actually be friends, right? WRONGO.

My best friend Chris and I have been going strong for 30 years. Literally – we knew each other while our crazy moms were pregnant with us in the winter and spring of ’87. In all seriousness, we were actually born into friendship. A friendship that has ended up lasting our whole lives.

Some of my earliest and best memories are of being the only girl at Chris’s birthday parties. I always got to sit next to him during pizza and cake (for safety) and like clockwork we were made fun of for being friends. One of the best parts of the early years of our friendship – we didn’t care. We didn’t know that girls and boys weren’t allowed to be “best friends.” I’m pretty sure the inception of my current inclination to tell any and all haters to “DROP DEAD” was from those days.

One of my favorite stories of our friendship is best told by Pete (Mr. Bower), Chris’s dad. Each spring for my birthday my parents would throw a huge crab feast (I have the BEST birthdate – May 1 – Chris is exactly 2 weeks older) – which included many picnic tables of crabs, several kegs (nice, parents), and a Moon Bounce (known to some as a bouncy castle). It was basically your Super Sweet Sixteen but in the ’90’s and better.

As queen of the bouncy castle every year I could be found bouncing to the beat of my own drummer for hours at a time – it was my birthday after all. One year (let’s say my 6th birthday), a family friend’s son decided he had a problem with my bouncing-ways (#trump) and started somethin’. Mr. Bower, Chris’s dad, noticed the budding hostility and alerting my crab-picking father to the issue. As both Dads watched me get pestered by another 6 year-old party-goer, they started to “worry…”

Out of nowhere my enormous and faithful best friend, Chris, swung a right hook to this poor soul’s jaw and flattened the kid. As Mr. Bower recounts fondly: “well, Kevin and I turned to each other and decided there was no further action that needed to be taken!”

A charming story, indeed. But also a telling one. Chris and I have always had each other’s backs. Those that know us well know these days I’m the one that’s more likely to start beef at a public event – though he still knows how to finish it (referencing caps play off game in the east village 3 years ago…). As far as outside characters are concerned – we’ve always valued each other’s opinion’s about significant others and friends above anything else.

So, after a gaggle of bimbos (just kidding… kinda), 500 years ago Chris introduced me to his then-girlfriend – Erin Murphy. The day I met Erin – it was like we were already best friends, too. She has two sisters just like I do. She’s a fiery pistol who says what she thinks – and #same. Erin has great hair, a fantastic family, and sharp sense of humor that can’t be matched. I loved her the moment I met her.

More important than my immediate fondness for Chris’s future wife was Erin’s complete acceptance of me as Chris’s friend. In the past, Chris’s floozies had tried to either be competitive (lame), had questioned the nature of our friendship (gross), and at times had been just annoying (the truth). Not Erin. I’m pretty sure I told Chris to propose to her the day we met. There’s no hidden agenda with Erin, no alternative motives to worry about – she’s like being friends with a dude, basically just like my friendship with Chris.

So when these two perfect humans decided to tie the knot – we all were over the moon. I was asked to read during the ceremony – literally one of the greatest honors of my life. I cried when they asked me – not only because I believe they are a perfect match, but also because there’s a certain feeling you get when your best friend finds their soul mate (I know gag, right?) and I had known they were meant for each other the moment I met Erin.

Long story short, I had written these jokers a little diddy for their wedding day to read at some point during the reception. In a move very unlike me – I chickened out. I felt they they had a huge, perfect wedding that didn’t need intrusion on my part. Now, however, given tomorrow is the celebration of Erin and Chris’s soon to be BABY – I thought I should sack up and at least share what I wrote. Like all my poems – it isn’t great, it requires a two drink minimum, and you shouldn’t read it.

In all seriousness I love you both so much, babes. Your offspring will be enormous, blonde haired and have a heart of gold. I can’t wait to join you on this next adventure!

What’s it like with a boy best friend, many ask:
well as kids it was rough and tumble, keeping up was no easy task!
Attic hockey and big wheels, good times in the ‘hood,
I get short of breath just thinking about that hill on Beachwood.

There were early morning hockey games,
I hit every rink in the East.
I will surely never forget the smell of each pre-dawn Dunkin Donuts feast.

Now according to many, friendships like ours often fade,
but as teenagers we remained best buds – like a brother Chris stayed.
In High School there were girlfriends and boyfriends abound,
but as you can see here today none of whom are around.

It was in college that Chris met the girl we knew was the one,
the first time I met Erin, I knew something special had begun…
our friendship was instant, and unlike the girls that didn’t last,
she never batted an eye at Chris’s girl best friend from the past.

Chris remains my boy best friend to this very day,
instead of bruises and broom hockey, it’s Skins and beer each Sunday.
But what makes this friendship even better, is whom Chris picked as his bride
I have another sister, another best friend, now with Erin by his side.

So join me and raise your glass to my best friends Erin & Chris,
I wish you light, love, and happiness – and infinite years of wedded bliss!