Even if you’re one of those people that scoffs at the “new year, new me!” mentality, the feeling of change that comes every January can’t be escaped. Personally, I’ve never been happier to see a year in the rearview mirror; it was certainly one for the books. Our very own “stable genius” was inaugurated, across the country natural disasters tore apart homes and took lives without abandon, and we learned from “What the Health” that my two great loves, bacon and cheese, are not-so-slowly killing all of us.
For my family and me, 2017 was a year of unimaginable loss and pain. The horrific loss of my young cousin in April and my mother’s excruciating battle with the big C were two of the worst stops on last year’s tragedy tour. So by about June, I wrote off the entire year and wished for it to end, praying 2018 would be better. By declaring the year a disaster, I wouldn’t be surprised if more bad news rolled in. In my mind, soaking in the sadness each day until the end last month meant that I could slam the door on that chapter come January 1.
For the past few weeks, however, I’ve felt like I slammed my finger in the door as well. If 2018 would be my “year of bliss,” why wasn’t I feeling blissful? I posed this question to one of my closest friends, who truly should get a medal for her role as my part-time life coach, and she said something I haven’t been able to stop thinking about: “the universe only reacts to what you put out there.” Yikes. Well that’s fine, I thought, 2017 is behind a locked door. And, despite the yuge chip I wore proudly on my shoulder all year, shouldn’t my “new me” mentality mean the universe’s odds would now be ever in my favor?
Turns out, that’s not how this mumbo jumbo works. The past few weeks I most definitely have been trying to be the best Brynn I can be (biggest eye-roll imaginable), but in continuing the 2017 pity party, I’m carrying my negativity and general unease with me into this New Year. I’ll admit, I’ve definitely gotten carried away with the blame-game. In reality we can’t blame disasters or problems or tragedies on when they occurred to account for the trajectory of our lives.
Every year bad things will happen. The law of entropy tells us that our universe tends to head towards disorder. Shit happens. Much of it isn’t fair. Humans are resilient for a reason. That resilience in hard times doesn’t come at a cost, we aren’t hardwired to wallow in negativity after periods of duress. I’ve realized that reaction, the wallowing, is a choice. There is a huge difference between being sad or feeling low when bad things happen and using those instances as an excuse for flailing.
I’ll now admit, last year I flailed. Don’t get me wrong, I showed up for those I love when they needed me most but took my hands off the wheel in other aspects of my life. The unfairness of each crisis left me bitter and negative. Looking back I see how I let that shape my attitude and outlook each day. Ugh. Well first, I owe a round of apologies to my nearest and dearest for acting like a martyr. Thanks for sticking around. Second, since last year deserves more than my loathing, here are the highlights from what will now go down as just another year:
My mom kicked cancer’s ass and came out the other side looking like a million dollars with an outlook to match. Two of my lifelong best friends and their perfect wives brought little baby boys into the world, Nick and Charlie. I became the godmother to my best friend from Australia’s third child, Chase (I promise to not be the dead-beat godmother from 2017!). My youngest sister made a huge career move and changed jobs and single-handedly orchestrated and saved Christmas with her festive leadership. Scott and I brought home Hudson, our now 1-year old German Shepherd who fills my heart with happiness and, at times, stress (the good kind). I traveled far and wide to celebrate loved ones and their amazing life events, went horseback riding TWICE, and repainted the whole apartment. And, most notably, saw my friends and family remain by my side despite the times over the past year when I may have seemed to lose my way. You guys are the real MVPs.
So for this year, I’m changing my swing. They say as we typically have larger reactions to negative life events than we do when something good occurs of the same magnitude. It’s easy to see how one can get off course when you’re looking through a lens focused to magnify the bad and blur the good each day. It goes without saying that our family will carry the grief from Koy’s passing with us forever and I will never forget what Mom went through during treatment for the big C. I have settled into the fact that will always be. But for now, I can honestly say I am excited for the highs awaiting all of us this year. And, although there will be lows – that’s just what they are. The chaos we encounter from the universe should not be given the power to run us off course.
The Dog Hair Diaries 